Lily Two
by katilara
Summary: Lily deals with a crisis of self after an attack from the Death Eaters. Written for the Accidentally in Love universe


Peter's living room appeared around me and the closeness of it was welcome. I started to warm up instantly, if only on the outside. To the left Remus sighed and, for the first time since we'd been shuffled into the alley, I was acutely aware of everything around me. Peter and Tina were close together on a couch and a fire danced in the grate. I was jealous of them at that moment. Jealous of their comfort and security.

Peter yanked the covers over himself and Tina, making a disgruntled noise. "Don't you two knock?" I couldn't help but think, 'No actually, we were practicing for Halloween. Check out our costumes. Are they all right or do they need some more dirt smudged on them?' My eyes wandered over to the fire and I only half heard the conversation Remus was having with Peter.

"Oh Merlin, what happened to you?" Peter asked. What_ had_ happened to us? Tina said something about medical supplies and pulled the blanket around her as she stood to leave the room. Modesty, oh god, I wanted some modesty. Peter was looking at me and I was certain he could see through my clothing. I pulled my robes closer to me and shivered. Remus was asking Peter to contact Moody. No, no. Moody would want details. Moody would harp about constant vigilance. Moody wouldn't understand. Moody couldn't know, and therefore, no one else could either.

"Lily and I were attacked by Death Eaters. Eleven of them, if I counted right. They seemed to know who we were."

"All right," Peter nodded and finished zipping his trousers, an action which fascinated and shook me like never before. "If you two want, you can go into the kitchen. I'll send Tina in a moment, all right? Right. I'll Floo Moody right away."

Remus reached out and squeezed my upper arm gently. I refused to meet his eyes but I gave him my hand and let him lead me to the kitchen. It was bright in there, garish. I wanted to crawl under the table and hide from the light and the eyes that were watching me. I knew what they were thinking.

Remus stepped closer to me, and I think I flinched, but he didn't notice. Or at least, he didn't let on he did. He let his hands fall on my shoulders and slowly smoothed them down my upper arms before pulling me close to him. The word 'he' resonated in my mind, but I couldn't back away. I didn't want to. I wanted James here, but James was just another 'he' who wouldn't understand. Remus at least had been there. Remus who was always so understanding of everything. Remus who, oh god.

My breath caught and I was dizzy. I crumpled into his arms and sobbed. He put his lips against my forehead. They were warm and smooth, not at all like the sharpness of the mask as it had grazed my face in the alley. His hands weren't running over my legs or trying to lift my robes, they were working deft fingers through my tangled hair. I broke and started crying, so confused. My body was shaking against his still form and I didn't understand anything. If they had been men, and they were like that, then was Remus not a man or were men not like that?

I thought of James, the way his eyes crinkled as he had grinned when we had lain half naked in my bed, lips swollen from kissing. We had wanted to wait to have sex until our wedding night. I had been worried that he wouldn't accept the muggle tradition but he had laughed and thought it was a great idea. I was special he said, so special to him. Thinking of James made me cry. Tears, and possibly snot, created puddles on Remus' shoulders and I just didn't care anymore. I wasn't special now, I was wretched. Wretched people could behave however they wanted.

Remus pulled away and pushed me down into a chair. I tried to look about the room, to compose myself, and forced myself to stop sobbing. I might have been wretched, but I was still me. This was not how Lily Evans behaved. "Are you all right?" he asked me. He knelt in front of me and was holding a rag, trying to dab at my face with it. Seeing him play the role that I played all day at St. Mungo's pulled me back to the moment. It made me feel more comfortable.

"Are you?" I said, trying to take the attention away from myself. "I heard you screaming…" I had. I had heard him screaming even when my screaming had died away. I felt like he was screaming for both of us.

"Cruciatus," he said. The hand at my temple tremored slightly. "Did they…"

"Not Cruciatus," I said, trying to keep my voice strong. That was who I was. I was in control and calm in all situations. The girl in the alley wasn't me, and it should be perfectly easy for me to have a conversation with a friend about the unfortunate event that had happened there. It had, in effect, happened to someone else. He put the rag on the table and gently placed his hand against my cheek. I winced at the tenderness of the area.

"I know not Cruciatus," he whispered. "Lily, did they…did they do something else?"

My chest tightened and I couldn't breathe. I wasn't this person, I wasn't! But what I was at that moment was crying again sloppily in the Pettigrew's kitchen and pulling Remus toward me, trying to remember the steadiness he had earlier. I needed his steadiness, needed the anchor. Tears dripped down his neck and my fingers ached I was pressing them so hard into his back. I couldn't tell him, he'd tell Moody. But I trusted him, I trusted him more than any other person at that moment. He had fought the Cruciatus, he had taken us away from the alley. I would tell him later, I decided, when there weren't other people around. He deserved that from me.

I regained control. I felt like two people in the same body and I wondered if I would always feel this way. If I had to spend the rest of my life fighting the girl from the alley for control then I'd never be happy. I pulled away from Remus and ran the sleeve of my robe across my face, trying to wipe away the tears and the confusion. He offered me a handkerchief and I used the time spent blowing my nose to steel myself. I wonder if the transformation looked as drastic on the outside as it felt on the inside.

"Should we get you to St. Mungo's?" Remus asked me. Imagine him, worrying about me. Nothing had happened to me. I was fine. I shoved the girl from the alley into a corner of my mind to be dealt with later. Remus had endured the Cruciatus, possibly twice. He was the one who needed attention.

"No. I think we have what we need here. Let's take a look at you." I wiped my face with my hands and then dried them on my robe. I pushed him back so that he settled onto the floor and pulled his hair out of his eyes, making a preliminary inspection.

"Lily, did they…?"

"No," I said, keeping my eyes level with his hair line. I tilted his face towards the light so I could better examine it. "You've got a nasty cut here, but that should be easy to heal."

"Lily-"

"Remus, they didn't. I want you to understand that right now. They did not do it. They came close- too close- but we got away in time. Do you understand me? They. Didn't. Do. It." And there was the truth, I was a bloody coward. But it would be easier this way, for everyone.

"I understand, Lily," he said. I let myself look him in the eye. He was confused and afraid and the last thing he needed was more tears from me.

I smiled at him, as strongly as I could manage. "Promise me you understand." He nodded and smiled back up at me. I knew that he did know what had happened, but he would do as I had asked. I would talk to him later, I owed him that, just a conversation between friends.

"I promise."

I did something funny then, something that manifested only out of my need for comfort, something that I hadn't done in a long time. I picked up his hand and linked my pinky finger with his. His brow furrowed and I couldn't help but laugh, shallowly.

"It's something we used to do when we were little, me and Petunia, when we had secrets. It's just a silly girl thing, a pinky promise. It just makes it more real." I dropped his fingers, feeling awkward and exposed. He reached for my hand and ran his thumb over my knuckles. I almost expected him to kiss them. Instead he relinked our pinky fingers and moved my hand more firmly.

"I understand, Lily. You've kept my secret, and I'll keep yours. Pinky promise." I smiled again then, and this time it was real. There was a noise at the doorway and I turned in my chair to see Peter, flanked by Dumbledore and Moody.

"It seems that things have been taken care of here," said Dumbledore, as he stepped around Peter and into the kitchen. He looked down at us and squinted slightly. I had seen him use this same expression many times with students when he didn't really believe they were telling the truth. I didn't flinch. I would stand up to Dumbledore and let him know that he was right. Things were taken care of.

Moody blustered in behind him and started ranting.

"Don't you people listen? Constant vigilance! What were you two doing out alone? Wonder you're note dead! The Cructiatus! Do you know how easy Avada Kedavra would've been? Don't you listen?" Dumbledore placed a hand on Moody's arm and he paused, further thoughts building in his throat.

"They did," said Remus, dropping my hand and standing up. "It was, I mean, an Avada Kedavra. At least on me. But it wasn't much worse than the Cruciatus." He laughed bitterly at those words. As if anything could be worse. "I don't think they were very experienced Death Eaters. There wasn't much power behind it."

Moody's eyes bulged and his mouth worked in sputtered words that never quite formed. There was a sour comfort in being able to shock someone when you yourself had been so thoroughly shocked. I think I understood just why Remus had aligned himself with James and Sirius. There were moments, when you just had to give in and be the creature. I would have to ask him about it when we spoke. Maybe I could handle the girl from the alley the same way.

"That will be enough Alastor, thank you," said Dumbledore, and Moody's mouth closed abruptly. He swallowed and surveyed the both of us, no doubt looking for faults as much as he was making sure we were all right. "I would like to ask a few questions of each of you though, if you don't mind. Moody, would you please make some tea?" Dumbledore nodded at him and he nodded back. I had the feeling something had been said that I didn't understand. I let Dumbledore take my arm. "Please, in the living room shall we?" He led Remus and me back to the couch.

"Now, I'll need as much information as the two of you can remember about your attackers. Especially if there are any small details, anything that could clue us in to who might have been behind the masks." He nodded down at me and I scanned my mind, trying to remember anything.

"The one that hit me, he was wearing a silver ring. I remember it flashing and the way it felt when it, when it landed on my eye." Remus looked as if he might be ill, but Dumbledore only watched me, waiting for anything else. "One of them got real close to me; he had a scar along his jaw line, right under the mask. The one who held my arms was missing part of his middle finger and-" oh shit. If Dumbledore noticed what I said he chose not to draw attention to it.

"Go on," he encouraged.

"And I think you'll find," I smiled up at him. "That one of them now has a nice set of scratch marks at his throat and yet another has a scar roughly the size of the heel of my shoe on his upper thigh." I felt Remus sigh. Dumbledore smiled.

"That's my girl. James will be proud. Do you want me to contact him?"

"No, please. Let him play his game tomorrow night. You can tell him after they win." His eyes twinkled down at me and he tapped the side of his nose before looking up.

"Ah, Alastor, there you are! Why don't you give Ms. Evans here some of that tea? It's been a long evening. You can talk to her some more if you like, and Remus and I will go into the kitchen." Moody placed the cup into my hands and eyed me up and down. I don't think he quite believed me, but then, I don't think he would have believed me if I had been telling the truth.

The tea was warm and I could feel it work its way into my stomach and begin to chase some of the cold away from my insides. Moody took Remus' place on the couch and started to talk to me, but I couldn't quite focus on what he was saying. The warmth was spreading through me and making it hard to think. I was so tired. It seemed that now that I was sitting still the night wanted to catch up with me.

"The lad needs you as much as you need him," is what I heard him say just before I fell asleep.

* * *

I was in the bath the next time I let myself cry. Walking home had been painful but I didn't want to just Floo in to my flat. I needed some time to organize my thoughts before I dragged all of this back home with me. Really, I was hoping the girl from the alley would get lost on the way. She didn't have right to know where I lived.

As the water ran in the tub I assessed the damages. There was blood on my skirt and knickers. My face was a sight. My left eye was black and my lip was split, the skin puffy around the cut. There was also a scratch on my forehead from where the mask had cut across it. I stripped down and looked at myself naked in the mirror for some time before slipping into the water. I thought the warmth would be comforting. Instead it seemed only to remind me of how comfortable I wasn't. My legs ached and I was cramping. Something had scratched my labia and the whole area was sore, as if…

I drew my knees up to my chest and laid my forehead on them. Crying was the only means of expression I could control at the moment. I cried like a champ.

Emotion was racing through me but I couldn't feel it. I hadn't felt anything since we showed up at Peter's. It was just running under the surface, hidden along with my veins. When my head stopped spinning I started making lists. There was the list of people who knew: Remus, eleven unknown Death Eaters, possibly Dumbledore because he seems to know everything. Then there was the list of people who should know: James, my parents. And last was the list of people whom I didn't want to know: my parents, Remus, James, his friends, and most of all, eleven unnamed people who I might see at any time without knowing it.

That's what bothered me most. Someone out there knew, and there was no way for me to know who he was. I could spend the rest of my life looking at people's necks, staring over my shoulder, always wondering. I'd never get any closer than I was. It was all so hopeless. I started shivering, but it was more due to the fact that the water had lost all heat. I drained the tub and started a shower. James' game would be ending soon and I still had to clean myself up.

As I washed I let myself devise a plan. I wasn't sure if I would follow through with it or not, but my mind had to do something besides replay the events of the night before. James would come, and he would be worried and wonderful. I wouldn't hurt him. What could I tell him? What was there to tell? Remus and I were attacked, we escaped. We weren't unharmed but we weren't dead and we had that to be thankful for, end of story. In my head, it almost sounded convincing.

I stepped out of the shower and reached for the towel. Just as my fingers gripped around it there was a loud crack from the other room. Startled, I screamed and tripped, landing hard against the wall.

"Lily! Lily, are you alright? Is anyone there?" The door shook as James threw himself against it.

"I'm fine, and it's locked." I stood and clicked the latch as I heard him mutter 'alohamora.' The door sprang open, missing my knee by centimeters. James rushed through it and gathered me in his arms. His clothes darkened in the spots where they soaked the water off of my body. It would have been endearing if I hadn't been so completely naked. I blushed.

"Lily, I came as soon as I heard. Why didn't you let them tell me last night? What were you thinking? I would have come immediately. I'd never let myself get over it if anything happened to you. You don't have to worry; you won't ever be alone again." He kissed my forehead and as he breathed out of his nose I felt the warm air. It ghosted over my face just like the air that had come seeping out around the edges of the masks. I threw my hands up and brushed him off of me. Quickly, I picked up the towel and pulled it around my body. I shook my head.

"I can't never be alone again, James Potter. That's impossible and you know it." He moved towards me.

"Oh, but it is possible. I'll be your own personal body guard. I'll-"

"James!" He stopped and dropped his arms to his side, his head cocking as he took me in. My eyes started to water. "James, I don't need a body guard, I don't need one, I just…" I wrapped my arms around my shoulders and looked in the mirror. My hair was pasted to my neck and my face was just as distorted as it had been when I first checked. Parts of it were hidden by the steam, but I knew what they looked like.

"Lils, is everything ok?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me if I'm ok? Why doesn't anyone ask Remus if _he's_ ok. He took the Cruciatus, you know that? And an Avada Kedavra. He could have DIED!" My voice was high. It hurt my throat, and it didn't sound like me. I don't think it was. I sobbed and crumpled down onto the side of the tub. "He could have died."

James knelt down next to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I found myself crying into my second shoulder in two days and I despised what I had become. This weak, weeping thing wasn't me. I was strong, I was proud. I was sitting in my bath trembling and almost naked. James wiped my face with his sleeve.

"Come on, lets at least get some clothing on you." He pulled me up and I followed him into the bedroom where I sat on the bed while he rifled through the wardrobe. "You know Lily, I will stay with you. You can come to all my matches if you don't want me to quit the team. I would though," he turned around holding jumper I hadn't worn since school and some pyjama bottoms. "I'd do anything for you."

He gazed at me steadily. I couldn't hurt him, I wouldn't tell him. At that moment my heart broke. I would hurt him more by not telling him. I would let this fester inside of me until something happened and I snapped. What if I saw the person in public? I couldn't just start flinging Unforgivables at people without at least an explanation.

But no, he didn't deserve an explanation like Remus did. Remus had been there, had fought them. James had been off with his team mates, probably drinking firewhiskey and staring at girls at some bar. I knew what he wanted; he wanted what every man wanted. He wanted my body. Why else would he insist on being with me all the time without a thought as to how I might feel about it? What about my mind? I'd be damned if I'd let myself be taken again.

"Anything?" I asked. He nodded and frowned. I stood up and let the towel fall. I felt myself walk toward him but I wasn't completely in control. He held out the jumper but I brushed past it and pressed my body up against him. It's yours, my actions said. He tried to back away and I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer.

I gripped the back of his head and reached up with my lips. It was exhilarating, crushing them against his. He squirmed a bit didn't pull out of the kiss. The jumper dropped to the floor and landed on my foot. I worked my hands out of his hair and down his back until my fingers were slipping inside of his trousers. His arms were at my shoulders. I thought he would hug me, crush me against the wall, pick me up and carry me towards the bed. Instead he pushed me away.

"What are you doing?" He sounded angry. Why was he angry? It was what he wanted.

"What you want me to. If my body is such an important thing to you that it needs a guard dog why don't you go ahead and claim it!" His hands snapped off of my shoulders.

"What?"

"This!" I threw my arms down and displayed myself. Face bruised, thighs scratched, mind fractured. "This is what you want! If it wasn't you would have consulted with me like an individual before you decided to drop everything you were doing to watch after me. What about what I want James?"

"Well," he cleared his throat and bent to pick up the jumper. "What do you want Lily?" It was such a simple question that I couldn't answer it. "Something happened to you Lily, I'm not stupid. You're not acting like yourself. And before you protest again, yes, I do know how you act. I've seen you in countless duels and battles and you've never come away from them like this. Something happened and, judging by what Dumbledore said, no one is going to tell me. That's fine, I respect that, you have a secret." He pushed the jumper into my arms and laid the bottoms on top of it. "But you need to decide what you want before you go pretending like you have a bloody clue what I want!"

It was the first time he'd raised his voice at me since we started dating. I wasn't afraid of him. I knew he wouldn't hurt me. What upset me the most was the feeling that I felt like I deserved for him to. He was right, I wasn't me. I was antagonistic and bratty and cold. I needed to be punished. I needed him to hurt me, so that I remembered what it felt like to feel something.

I sniffed. My bottom lip trembled and I dropped my face into the clothing and turned away from him. I walked back into the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I was deeply ashamed for what I had just done, and that filled me with such elation that I almost laughed. I settled for a smile that I watched appear between strands of limp, red hair reflected in the mirror as I pulled the jumper over my head and worked my way into the pyjama bottoms.

* * *

Shivering, I pulled my coat closer to me and looked down the street. It was the first time I'd been out on my own since the attack, but I let the noon sun give me some false hope and assured James that I would be all right this one time. Groups of muggle shoppers pushed past me and I felt remarkably alone. I wondered if any of them would notice if the small red head in the grey coat was pulled into another alleyway, screaming.

I fidgeted with my Gryffindor scarf and bit my bottom lip, which was already chapped from the December wind. I had been spending afternoons shopping on my own in London since I was fourteen, only now with the experience and knowledge of an adult was I reduced to the fear of what might happen. I had a mission though, and I couldn't let James help me. I stepped out into the road and crossed to the other side.

The shop windows held glittering, white displays. Some fake snow, some frozen plastic lakes, some diamonds. Christmas was in full bloom in London and I held back the tears at the thought of how much joy the excitement of the holidays used to give me. I had been holding back tears for weeks now, pretending for James that I wasn't an emotional basket case. I had decided not to tell him for the time being. His fierce indignation and fury wouldn't help me at all, and there were so many more important things to worry about.

My virginity was just another casualty of a war we couldn't escape and had sworn to fight. Had it been lying in a bed in St. Mungo's I wouldn't have thought about it, couldn't have allowed myself to get attached, so I had resolved not to dwell on it anymore than I had to. There was an obscene amount of thinking that could be done when one didn't want to think.

I forced myself back on task and stared through the windows and crowds into each shop to see if it might contain anything appropriate. I wanted to get Remus something to show how much I appreciated him being there that night and to let him know that I was there for him if he ever needed someone. I couldn't ever replace James or Peter or Sirius, but sometimes you needed a different kind of attention. I wanted to let him know that I could do that for him. It would be too hard to explain to James so I had made sure to wait until he was busy. And maybe doing this one thing on my own would help me. Anything was worth a try.

One of the windows hadn't been dressed in batting and glitter. The display held a black velvet cloth with a crystal ball on it surrounded by various stones in different kinds of settings. The sign read Mélange and I peered into the darkness past the display to try and see what was inside. I didn't think there were any wizarding shops on this part of the street, but then, the odd muggle could always come by a crystal ball, even if they couldn't use it.

I pushed my way through the door and let my eyes adjust to the dim light. The sign hadn't lied. There was an assortment of odd pieces of décor and the occasional valuable wizarding find. It reminded me of the shops in Knockturn Alley we had spent some time casing, except the aura was much warmer. The old woman behind the counter looked up at me as I approached her and smiled.

"My dear, so good for you to come in from the cold. I was just about to put on some tea, would you care for a cuppa?"

"I'm really just here to look around, thank you." Considering my recent escapes, ingesting things from strangers probably wasn't the best idea.

"Nonsense, you have to be freezing. And so young. This'll warm you right up. You just have a look around, I'll be back in a mo'." She disappeared into the back of the shop and I stared after her for a moment, amazed. I began to unwind my scarf as I peered into the case she was using as a counter. Most of it was jewelry. I'd never seen Remus wear jewelry, but something about being in the shop felt right. I let myself browse until the woman returned.

She placed the cup onto the glass top of the case with a clatter. "Here you go love. What is that you've found? Oh, moonstone, loveley, lovely."

I picked up the cup and took a sip, watching her as she bustled about the storefront.

"The muggles fancy it's about feminine energy, but really it's just about balance. It can help to bring emotions under control and make the wearer more aware of their inner feelings." She paused, reaching for a box on one of the higher shelves and turned to me. "But that's not what you're really after now is it?"

I struggled not to choke on the tea and placed the cup back on the counter top.

"Oh, don't be so surprised dear. I may be old but I'm still observant. Sometimes a little vigilance is all we have." I wondered if she new Moody at all. "Now this," she said with a small grunt as she inched the box over the edge of the shelf and into her hands, "is probably more your speed."

She came back around the counter and placed it in front of me. The box was dark green and rather unremarkable. It was also very dusty. I stared at it, trying to decide whether or not it was safe to touch.

"Come now dear, you can't let uncertainty rule everything you do. You're out today are you not? It's time to take a step forward."

I smiled grimly and reached out cautiously, rubbing my finger through the layer of particles on the lid, brushing some of them off and onto the counter. I moved to clean it up but the woman shooed my hand away.

"Sometimes, my dear, a little mess adds character. You leave things just the way they are, it's the way they're meant to be."

I looked up and she was staring directly into my eyes. I began to feel like she wasn't talking about what was in the box at all. It was frightening to think that a complete stranger could read me so well. But then, talking in riddles didn't necessarily belie any real introspection.

I picked the box up and opened it. Inside was a small gold ring with a black stone in it. It wasn't flashy, but it did have a small amount of charm. I slipped it onto my thumb finger to test the size.

"Don't worry dear, it will fit." She smiled reassuringly, her features arranged pleasantly enough for a complete stranger. It was the first kind face I'd let myself see in weeks. I slipped it off and put it back into the box.

"What does that stone mean?" The woman threw her head back and cackled.

"My dear, not everything has to have a meaning." Her eyes twinkled and she took the box from me, reaching under the counter and coming up with some twine to tie it off with.

"Oh," I was slightly disappointed. I had wanted to get Remus something meaningful. There would be other shops. At the very least I had gotten some tea, and an opportunity to warm up for a while.

"This one does have some power behind it though." She gazed at the box fondly before laying it back on the counter between us. "It's highly protective. Apache Tear is formed from obsidian deep in the earth and it keeps some of that energy when it's harvested. The wearer of this ring will be able to maintain their self control and resilience. Legend says that because black is the absence of light the wearer can become invisible, but we know better." She smiled and placed a finger on the side of her nose. "It does however; help us to keep our emotions invisible from others." She pushed the box toward me.

"How much does it cost?"

"Oh, I'm sure it's already cost enough dear." She looked down at it, and her face saddened. "You take it. I'm sure it will be perfect for whoever you have in mind."

I picked up the box and tucked it into my pocket. I wouldn't have ever done anything like that before, not without offering to pay for it first, but then lots of things about me were different now. This woman seemed to know what she wanted me to do, there wasn't a sense in not following through.

"Thank you," I said, reworking my scarf at my throat.

"My pleasure dear. You go on now, I'm sure you have other things to be getting on with." She turned her back to me and I started out. Pausing at the door I turned back to her.

"Is there anything you want me to do? I travel, I could keep an eye out for any pieces for you."

"Oh, you just keep your eye out for those you already do. And be yourself dear. Ourselves are all we really have. Run on now."

I smiled and raised my hand before opening the door and stepping out. The light hit my eyes and for a moment the world was whitewashed. When everything settled back into place I gazed about me and took a deep breath.

As much as it unsettled me to have a stranger so cannily notice it, I hadn't been myself lately. Well, I could do that, starting with today. I wouldn't wash over the hurt anymore, and I wouldn't deny it. If James wanted to talk about it I would, and I'd let Remus know that it was okay. And thank him for being the beautiful human being he was. The way things were going lately there weren't enough people who thought he was a human being at all. We probably had being spoiled in common.

I patted the pocket of my coat to make sure the box was still there and started back across the street. I made my return trip to the Leaky Cauldron without looking back over my shoulder once.


End file.
